


I Don't Even Know What I'm Doing.

by in_motu_proprio



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alcohol, Grief/Mourning, Heavy Drinking, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Sleep Groping, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-12
Updated: 2018-06-12
Packaged: 2019-05-21 14:20:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,286
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14916986
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/in_motu_proprio/pseuds/in_motu_proprio
Summary: Takes place just after the events of Infinity War and there are SPOILERS!!!!!!Thor is grieving, thinking about his brother and missed opportunities.  Steve comes along and helps him drink through it.





	I Don't Even Know What I'm Doing.

**Author's Note:**

> SO... 
> 
> This came out of nowhere for me. I don't quite know where it's going or what I'm doing, but I liked the piece so I decided to post it. There is nothing explicit between Thor and Loki, but Thor is very much unhappy about that. Proceed at your own cost. 
> 
> It may or may not be done. Give me feedback and maybe I'll continue. :)

They’d been young, far too young, when Thor first noticed Loki in a not so brotherly way. They’d been in the gardens playing as boys, hiding and popping out to scare each other, stupid games really. But Loki had caught him in a blind corner and managed to overpower Thor for a moment, holding him close before dropping him into thorn bushes below. That night Thor had dreamt of dark hair and humid puffs of blueberry-scented breath against his neck and woke with soiled robes.  


After that it was hard for Thor not to notice Loki. Sometimes it would be for his beauty but more often it was for his beautiful mind. Thor loved how Loki’s brain worked and could work for hours to suss out something it took Loki moments to do. Thor was not unintelligent, but Loki sometimes made him feel thus. Loki could always get Thor to do as he wished and for a period of two months, that had meant sleeping in the same bed. Loki’s nightmares had been a staple for as long as Thor could remember, but it was only as young men back from their first battles that Loki’s nightmares became more intense. Thor couldn’t count the number of times he had to hum Loki’s boyhood lullaby to him while rubbing slow circles on his back. 

To see them by day one would never have thought such things occurred under cover of darkness, but each night after they’d all retired, Thor would hear his door open and close quietly then feel the dip in the bed moments later. He was expected to stay still until Loki settled. Then and only then was Thor allowed to roll over and hold him, but that was what Loki had come for. If there was any speech, any talk at all, Loki bolted. Thor realized quickly that if he wanted to keep Loki in bed and getting some rest, that he had to keep his mouth shut. Thor honestly thought that Loki might continue to come to him forever, but one night he woke pressed too close, his mouth on Loki’s throat as his hips twisted. He felt Loki move, heard a confused little sound before he stiffened totally and blasted Thor halfway across the room. The tongue lashing Loki had given him that night was vicious, and his words had lingered for hundreds of years after, sometimes waking Thor in a cold sweat when he was in bed with another. 

Sometime around 500 yeas old they’d both gotten quite destroyed on libations, resulting in them both being in the same room during a twenty-person orgy. They hadn’t actually touched, but Thor’s eyes found Loki over and over that night. That was the night he learned just how beautiful his brother was when he climaxed. Thor had used the sight of Loki that night to fuel fantasies as recently as a month ago. So to say that Thor had been in love with him his whole life was not an understatement. From boyhood to this very breath, Thor’s love for his brother had been intense and complex. And heartbreaking. Thor had promised himself that one day he’d try, that one day he’d know what it was to kiss Loki as a lover, but that opportunity passed when Thanos’ hand crushed the life from his brother. 

Thor jumped when a hand squeezed his shoulder, surprising the God of Thunder. That was a hard thing to actually accomplish. “Penny for your thoughts?” 

“Steve,” Thor acknowledged. “Perhaps we should simply drink instead.”  


Steve opened his mouth a moment then closed it before walking to the shelf of liquor. They’d retreated to the palace to regroup and gone their own ways. Natasha had gone to call Clint and the last Thor had heard it seemed Clint had suffered great losses and was on his way to them. Steve had lost his own man, Barnes. Thor hadn’t known the man though the Rabbit seemed to appreciate the way he fought so that was worth something. Between that and Steve’s clear anguish, it seemed Barnes was a man worth missing. “This ought to work.” The Super Soldier came back with several bottles, setting them down on the table in front of Thor before sitting down himself. “Unless you have some of that…”

“Alas, no,” Thor shook his head. His Asgardian spirit had long since gone. Midgardian liquor was not near the same, but sometimes it was simple maths. Sometimes quantity worked. Steve seemed to understand that as he handed Thor a bottle with clear spirits, no glass. “To the fallen.” Thor noticed the sheen on Steve’s eyes before he nodded and took a long pull of the spirit, looking off into the distance. “Your man, Barnes, you were close?”

“He was my best friend,” Steve told Thor as he returned focus to his companion. “We met as kids… before the ice, before this,” he waved his hand over his body. “I used to be shorter than Natasha, weighed less too.” Thor’s brows rose. He knew Steve had gone through a transformation but, honestly, Midgardian legends did not interest him and he far preferred Steve to simply be Steve. “We still had a lot to say to each other,” was all Steve said before turning away for another long drink. 

“I am sorry for your loss.” Thor was sincere. He knew the pain Steve felt. Thor had felt it too. Heimdal, The Warriors Three… losing those nearest to you, your closest friends, was agony. Steve just nodded and Thor pretended not to see the man brush a tear away. It wasn’t unmanly or any such nonsense, simply something that would embarrass Steve were he to point it out… so why do it? “Has there been word from Stark?” They talked for awhile about strategy, drinking heavily as they did. It wasn’t strategizing, really so much as going over what the hell went wrong. They still didn’t entirely understand everything and hopefully they soon would, but it was all pure hell. 

“I’m worried we’ve lost Stark, too.” There was pain there, too. Thor reached out on instinct, squeezing Steve’s shoulder. “If he makes it back…” Steve’s voice wavered a little and he slipped out from under Thor’s hand, standing up with a little stagger. He bumped the table in front of them, several of the empty bottles clinked together loudly. They had made a fair bit of progress into the bar, at least ten empty liquor bottles between them at this point. That neither of them had so much as bothered with anything to cut strength or taste spoke to the quality of the day. 

Thor leaned forward to catch a bottle threatening to tip over the edge, catching Steve’s gaze and realizing it was the man and not the bottle that was far closer to breaking. “When.” It seemed that that was what Steve needed to hear because he smiled just a little. “When he returns.” Thor stood. “We will discover a way to right things.” Thor’s people would still be gone, his brother would still be dead, but perhaps he could help right at least part of this wrong. “For now… perhaps we can be grateful we’ve survived the day?” 

“Yes… yes of course,” Steve touched Thor’s arm, face softening. For the moment there was nothing they could do. In the light of day, they’d think, they’d plan. Right now, Thor just picked up a half dozen bottles and nodded for Steve to do the same. He did and followed without question as Thor led him to the roof where they could stare up at the stars until the sun came up or they passed out, whichever came first.


End file.
